inappropriate reactions

I know I've mentioned this before, but the phenomena is picking up again. I'm talking about my emotions being all over the place and even worse than that, I'm not seeming to be capable of controlling my reaction to them. This is very awkward at times, very, . . . very awkward. One example I can actually share is an incident happening a couple evenings ago. Ryan was doing his unofficial check-up of my teeth and noticed that one of my front teeth is moving forward ever so slightly. You see I'm not the best patient for him, and that is unfortunate considering the wife of the orthodontist really should be willing to wear her retainer at night. But right now, I am awake with mad-dashes to the restroom 4-5 times a night. I'm not the best at falling right back to sleep and anything that hinders that (like a retainer making my mouth sore, dry, whatever) has fallen to the wayside. So, anyways, he's checking my teeth, and asking if I can tell the tooth has moved. He is obviously frustrated by it, and instead of explaining, what do I do? Laugh hysterically. As I watch him get more and more ticked that I'm so flippant about my ortho work, I want to say I'm sorry, or that I promise to wear it soon, but instead, I LAUGH HARDER. I do this until, I start CRYING. Note: there is no downtime from the laughing to the crying. And Ryan is pretty much at a loss of what to do with me in these instances.

You'd think I'd be SOOOoooo ready to be done being pregnant, but instead my mind has been swirling with these mixed emotions about what happens after delivery. My friend Cara was talking to me the other day about how she often felt before having another baby, lately it's been hitting me extra hard. I really haven't spent much time thinking until recently, how the baby will change our lives. I think I won't be able to understand until I'm in it. I know I'll be tired, I know it will be hard work, I know all of that, so I just haven't dwelt on it. But the thing that is making me so darn emotional is that, I don't want Graham to have to share me.

I don't want my arms to be full when he needs me. I don't want to miss any precious seconds in his life, and while I know that your love is miraculously multiplied for the new child, I don't know if my time and energy will be. And even though I "know" having a sibling will be a wonderful and happy thing for him in the long run, it makes my heart break that in the short run, it may be a tough transition. And a tiny part of me, the part that is pure emotion and not logical thought, wonders if this change will be a good thing. And I feel terrible and guilty even writing that down. I guess I'll just pretend I'm in a confessional. Maybe someone can tell me how many hail mary's I need.